Like some sort of maniacal page brandishing a fiery wand I found her. I rode my golden fleeced sheep into her house and found her. Now don’t tell Demeter, but I stole Persephone and force fed her tiny red granules.
I have her.
I bound and gagged her.
In the crawl space.
I hear her. Kicking the door, muffled sobs in the night, hoping someone will let her out, but down here in the dark she’s nobody special. There is not white knight on a ship to rescue her, no Herculean king to order her release.
If you want her Demeter, come claim her. She’s down here, kept here, beat here, and drowned here. Make your flowers blossom now bitch.
Posted at 11:56 PM
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Death is not the end. Death is a transition. Death is not the end. Death is a transition. That is the mantra I’ve been repeating to myself almost daily for the past seven years or so.
I was thirteen and so was he. His name was Chris.
We were both in middle school, obviously at thirteen, and he was one of the few people who would put up with my mood swings and my fascination with mythic beasts. Then he climbed into a bathtub and slit his arms open from wrist to elbow. His mother came home to find him dead.
At thirteen I sat, hot and itchy in my black wool sweater. Someone said some nice words about him that didn’t ring true; this wasn’t the Chris I know – knew. It was open casket. Why was it open casket, I thought, do people really need to see a body now? They had all of his life to look at him. Why now?
I was staring down at him. Sarah, another of my friends, was standing next to me.
“It really is true.” She said, “He really does look like he’s sleeping. I always thought that people exaggerated when they said that, you know?”
I wanted to hit her. I wanted to grab her hair and pull; just make her stop talking. I wanted to scream.
“No!” I wanted to say, “He doesn’t look sleeping and he doesn’t look peaceful. He looks cold and plastic and artificial and dead.”
At thirteen I sat, hot and itchy, my heart pounding in my black wool sweater. Chris is dead. Where did he go? My inner Pagan chimed in, “He assimilated with the universe. Now he is one with everything.”
Death is not the end; death is…the dissolution of the ego? The assimilation of the self with the divine? That doesn’t sound like the rapture that death is described as. That sounds lonely and terrifying. After all, I spent thirteen years, building up that self. If it all gets assimilated, what’s the point?
Or worse, what if life really is some fluke, I thought, just some haphazard biochemical admixture in the brain, molecules floating around an oversized walnut producing bigger molecules that somehow create a consciousness. Is the thought of oblivion any better? Does it make life that much more precious?
Or, what about the process of dying, I thought. Does dying hurt? Is it scary? What about that last second of life. That teetering brink of unconsciousness when you know that you are never going to wake up again, that this is your last moment on earth, how can someone experience that and not have fear? …or regrets? All of the things that you didn’t do, all of the people you could have been nicer to or said good bye to. Did you remember to reconcile with that person that is going to think of you ten years down the line and experience major guilt because of the fight you two had before you died? Did you tell your friends that you loved them and that you appreciated them enough?
Or what about the eventuality of death, I thought. Does the existence of death somehow grant meaning to our lives or does it detract from our lives. I sat, hot and itchy, on that bench and thought. I get up in the morning and eat breakfast. I open a book or two and read. Why bother to read, a few years down the line when I’m lying on my deathbed is having read Catcher in the Rye or that huge book by Tolstoy going to matter. Not one bit, I’m going to die.
I went home that night and after I got out of that itchy sweater and prepared for my own little death. I lay in bed and thought, “What is death to the living?” We mourn the dead, but why? It is because they are dead, obviously. I know that analyzing my feelings over Chris’s death I could only come up with selfish reasons.
I am going to miss him.
I loved him.
I am never going to get to see him again.
Never once did how he felt at the current moment come into my thoughts. Maybe that was because he is dead and therefore might not have feelings or thought anymore. So, why should I mourn the dead? They don’t have to suffer this doubt.
So, it has been seven years since this all transpired. My friends and counselors all told me that it would get better with time; my pain would heal. They were right. I can think of him now and smile. I can think of him now and not cry. I can think of him and not picture his pale corpse floating in the bloody bath water. What didn’t heal however are my questions about death. What happens, what’s it like, where do we go? There are tons of answers to those questions that are based on blind faith because, as far as I know, no one comes back from the dead with answers. I guess that I’ll just have to wait and see. Until then I repeat:
Death is not the end, death is just a transition. Death is not the end, death is just a transition.
Posted at 1:46 PM
Tuesday, March 09, 2004
The other night I had the unique opportunity to participate in an ayahuasca rite. I drank the sacred brew with the intentions of meeting divinity. I had some questions that needed answering regarding life and the nature of the universe. I gagged it down and waited.
I had lift-off. The world exploded with fractals and meaning. The rug was deeply meaningful because it was brown. The brown was the opposite color of the blue sky which was where outer space was which meant that I could get to the moon by sinking into the rug.
I called out to divinity to show me what life meant, and divinity answered. I was lying on my back when the answer appeared. It was so simple, but startlingly complex. It was a realization that everything in the world was important, but somehow exceedingly infinitesimal in the grand scheme of things. It was the most beautiful thing that I have ever seen; it was so beautiful that I started to sob uncontrollably. In that moment I understood everything that went on in the universe. I knew why evil existed, I knew why we all had to die, and I knew where the human race fit in the divine’s grand scheme.
Furthermore, I knew that the rest of the world needed this information desperately. If only everyone came to this realization then all of the religious wars would stop, people would help their fellow man, and everyone would unite and live in a community.
So, I jumped up off the rug and ran to get a piece of paper and a pen to write it down. I sat at my desk and wrote for what seemed like hours. I wrote a beautiful, eloquent essay on the nature of life and death. Then I went to bed satisfied that I had done this thinking that with this new information I could lead a better life and be happy.
I work up the next morning and thought about the meaning of life. To my dismay, I couldn’t remember what it was. I remember getting the information, but I don’t remember what it consisted of. That’s when I remembered that this time, I remembered to write it down. I got up and found my notebook. My eloquent essay was reduced to two words, “Hurry Japanese.”
Sadly, I don’t remember the meaning of life, and the fragments that I do have are too cryptic to understand. Therefore, I can’t tell you what the meaning of life is. What I can tell you is that from my brief encounter with the essence of life itself I now know first hand the stuff that life is made out of. While my life may lack some inherent meaning, and I may not have *Truth*, I do have truth. I can live with that. I suppose that in the span of a human life, a little truth is just enough.
Posted at 2:54 PM
Monday, March 08, 2004
It’s 1 AM and everyone is asleep. My friends are out and Justin is in bed. I feel alone. Why do I feel so sad? It’s strange, like I could cry for no reason.
Posted at 12:59 AM
Sunday, March 07, 2004
Oh me, oh my, look who’s updating his blog! It really has been bloody ages since I’ve updated, or even thought of updating. I’m not even sure I remember how to update this thing. Well, here goes:
Some Major Life Events
1. Yup, it’s official I’m all settled down and domesticated like cattle now. Justin and I bought a house and we repainted and redecorated. Then we went to the store and picked out curtains. How disgusting is that? The upside to this new domesticated life is two fold: we don’t live in the uber-ghetto anymore and we no longer have a nasty, dirty roommate to contend with.
2. I am testing for my blue belt in taekwondo this Friday. In addition to this I have also joined the instructor program meaning that right now I am in training to eventually teach. That won’t be for quite some time though.
3. I am almost done with college. I only have about two more semesters to go and then I get booted out into the real world, or grad school as the case may be. Either way, it is an anxiety producing event
end of Major Life Events
So, let’s see, what else is going on. My course load this semester is ridiculously easy. I’m taking, learning theory, the nature of scientific thought, statistical methods in research, and psychopharmacology. I just took my midterms in all of those classes and I got a 96, 84, 90, and an unknown, but decent, grade at this time, respectively. I think that was one of the most convoluted sentences that I’ve ever written in here. Crazy.
In work related issues, yup, I’m still at Filenes. Although, when we moved the store that I worked at was too far away for me to drive to so I requested a transfer to the one that was closer to me. Here is what happened:
My Manager (who replaced my old manager, the new manager hated me): Scott, you have an interview on Wednesday at noon at the other store.
Flash to me in this new store at noon
Me: Hi, I have an interview with Kim at noon.
HR Wench: I don’t know who you are. No one ever called us. We have no paperwork on your transfer.
Flash to me in the old store the next day
Me: They said they never heard of me over there.
Manager: Really? I don’t know what you’re going to do then, I already gave your position away.
So, after three weeks of hoop-jumping and two weeks of being out of work I finally got in to this new Filenes store. Man how I hate them.
Well, this entry has degraded into nothingness. Will this be a new start for me? Will I update with frequency? Maybe. No promises.
Posted at 12:07 PM
Monday, August 04, 2003
Well, it’s been ages since I’ve updated. Mainly because nothing new or interesting has been happening in my life. Summer break, looking for a new job still, extreme boredom, bla bla bla. Same old shit, different day. I was hoping to go outside and maybe swim or go rollerblading today, but it is raining. In fact, it is supposed to rain here for the next ten days. Yuck.
So, today I’m going to have to be domestic. I’m cleaning, doing laundry, lounging around and watching Passions…you know, all the stuff that a good house boy is supposed to do.
I don’t know if I mentioned this or not, but Justin and I are in the process of looking for a house, and that is way more that frustrating, it is downright infuriating. People ignore you, don’t call you back, reneg on verbal agreements, and just in general confirm my hatred of most people.
Oops, the laundry in the drier is done.
Posted at 11:33 AM
Thursday, July 03, 2003
Lately I’ve been reading a few websites. You can find the links here:
They are all about the so called “homosexual agenda.” After reading them all, I am left with one big, resounding question, why? Why do these people who I have never met, nor will I ever meet care what I do in my bedroom? Why do they care who I am attracted to?
Furthermore, how dare they pass judgment on an individual or group of individuals and still profess to call themselves Christians. How dare they presume to know what god thinks. What possible good could come out of making the lives of a population so miserable?
For an example, the American “Family” Association recently just released a scathing statement about a Maryland school. Why? Because they recently approved a new school rule that verbal harassment of homosexual teachers and students is a suspend-able offense. Why are they angry? If, for example, I were going to open a school and proclaim that homosexuals were to be discriminated against and be degraded (because we all know that homosexuality is a choice *heavy sarcasm*) the fundies would be happy.
However, if I were going to be fair and apply that discrimination to everyone across the board and say that it was ok to discriminate based on Religion, because Religion really is a choice, I would be back on their bad side. So why is it that they can say one thing and push to enforce it when it benefits them, but when it works to their detriment, they run straight to the courtroom? I really wish that they would take sides on an issue and stick with their principals. Either that or just mind their own damn business.
Posted at 2:27 PM
Monday, June 30, 2003
Ouch, lots of pain. I think that right now I am sporting the worst sunburn of my life. I decided to go for a run the other day, with my ample free time, and being the intelligent person that I am wore a tank-top instead of a tee-shirt; I neglected the sunscreen too. I ran, and then I got lost. What was supposed to be a 45 minute run turned into a 150 minute run. I was beet red by the time I was done. It’s awful. In addition to that, my legs and arms and back, and entire body are sore from my taekwondo class. Someone tell me again why I think that torturing myself like that is fun?
I have to work today, blah. I hate my job. I am putting in all sorts of applications all over the place, and nothing seems to come of it. Nobody is hiring right now, and it is sort of depressing. I’m going to graduate from college in another year and a half, and I’ll probably still be working a menial retail job, and putting up with the general public.
I hate retail. I think that the general populous is ignorant, rude, and generally obnoxious. People that come into Filenes (the store that I work in right now) and are rude; the management expects me to treat them like they deserve a nice warm place in my butt. They don’t, and quite frankly, for minimum wage they aren’t going to get a happy, peppy me. They are going to get a cashier and a human map of the store. When you pay bananas, you get monkeys.
Posted at 7:02 AM
Wednesday, June 25, 2003
I've added a 100 things list and a brief autobiography of myself in the right hand column. Also, I've added, and will be constantly adding samples of my writing to the left hand column. This is a mish-mash of things that I've written from scholastic essays to short stories. What do you think?
Posted at 3:31 PM
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
I’m bored. All throughout last semester I couldn’t wait for it to be over. All I wanted to do was have my summer vacation so that I could some free time. I could catch up on my reading, work on my web page, practice taekwondo regularly; so much seemed possible.
In practice, however, I sleep until noon, wake up and sit, dirty and un-showered, in my PJ’s until either Justin gets home or I have to go to work. I’m bored and lonely.
Posted at 12:53 PM
Monday, June 23, 2003
Exercise: Write a short piece in which rain is featured.
The wind screamed in her ears as she pulled her coat tighter. Tiny pellets of rain fell on her hair and face, causing a little stream of black mascara to run from her eyes, down her cheek. She ran down the street, looking for an alley to duck into, looking for a crevice to squeeze through, looking for a rock to hide under. She hated the rain.
She found an alley. The overhang from the buildings created a nice shelter for her, and she stopped and shook the rain off of her coat and hair. She looked at her ratty sweat pants, and fingered her tattered shirt. There were stains everywhere – she needed new clothes, but didn’t have the money. Well, technically she did, but there were other, more important things, that needed her attention and money.
She reached into her bag and pulled out her needle and a small bag of white powder. Heating it and sucking it into the needle she readied herself and her vein. She clenched her eyes shut tight, guarding herself from the sting of the needle. She relaxed as she felt her white gold uncurl itself down her legs and arms, sending warm tendrils up her neck and wrapping in a choke-hold around her brain. They squeezed. She gasped.
Not quite a gasp of pleasure, but a gasp of uncertainty. Something was different, something unidentifiable, something dangerous. Her throat constricted, her breathing quickened, and she pitched backward.
The wind screamed in her ears as her coat lay under her. Tiny pellets of rain fell on her hair and face, collecting in her open, staring eyes.
Posted at 1:43 PM
Saturday, June 21, 2003
I think that by now most people who read this journal (if, after my extended break, there are any left) know that I am by no means a friendly person. I, for the most part, dislike and mistrust people. If one thing annoys me more than anything it is people that can’t speak correctly. One other thing that really gets me is when someone is rude to me, tries to burden me with a problem that I have nothing to do with, and then expects me to help them.
Here is an actual conversation from work the other night. This one got me in quite a bit of trouble.
Obnoxious woman: “Is this shirt on sale?”
Obnoxious woman: “Why not?”
Me: “Because it isn’t”
Obnoxious woman: “It needs to be on sale. I’m a single mother with three children on a fixed income. I don’t have this much money to spend on clothes.
Other sales associate: “Then you need to be shopping at Wal-Mart…”
Me: “…In the contraceptive aisle.”
Yeah, she didn’t find that as funny as I did. I should have whipped out my violin for her instead. Freakin’ people.
Posted at 1:24 AM
Thursday, June 19, 2003
Well, my blog had its one year anniversary this month. Looking back, my post counts have always gone in spurts – two months or so of frequent updating, and then the next month or so, no posts at all. Wow, one whole year, and I haven’t changed the layout of the site at all. Is anyone else getting really tired of the way this thing looks, or is it just me?
Quite a bit has happened to me since I’ve started this blog. I lost my job and was forced to work in retail for a pittance. I’m going into my third year of college. I moved out of my parent’s house and into my own apartment with a roommate named Rose, who turned out to be an evil demon woman. I moved out of my apartment and into Justin’s place.
All this talk about anniversaries got me to thinking about Justin and I. We had our anniversary a little over a month ago. An entire year, and so much has changed between us. Things have changed in our respective personalities, in the way we interact with others and with each other, and things have changed in the way that we live. Do I miss the way that the beginning of our relationship was? Yes. Do I miss the constant expression of “I love you?” Yes. Do I miss the sickening displays of affection? Yes. Yet, while those things rarely, if ever, happen any more, there are things that I like just as much. They are tiny little tokens, or small little day to day occurrences that remind me as to why I am still with him. For example, whenever I go to a gas station, I almost never leave without getting a Dr Pepper and a Baby Ruth bar. (Because I’m the health conscious type) So, the other day he went to a gas station without me and when he came back, he brought me a Dr Pepper and a Baby Ruth bar. So, things are going well between him and I.
In financial news, I am in the process of looking for a new job. I seem to be in a perpetual state of looking for a new job. I did, however, get a great idea last night. I finally figured out how I can work a 40 hour week and still manage to maintain full-time student status at college. I can find a third shift job. It seems perfect to me – little to no people interaction, plus a higher rate of pay due to the shitty hours.
Oh well…I am off to an interview now, I will keep everyone posted on where things go.
Posted at 8:27 AM
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
Well, at least people missed me. Maybe that will rid me of my raging sense of apathy. I’m hoping to do a big update soon. My finals end this Tuesday. Until then I have absolutely no free time.
Posted at 10:26 PM
Friday, May 02, 2003
Guess what? I’m here, and I’m still live and kicking. I think that I just reached an all time new no-post record. My last week of classes is this coming week, and the last half of this one semester has been hellish. I’m a trooper, though, I won’t whine. I only wish that I could say that something interesting happened in the time that I’ve been away – I haven’t made a post in a month and I have nothing new or interesting to show for my absence.
Well, I shouldn’t say I’ve nothing to show, I have developed an unhealthy obsession with day-time television. Where else can you see humanity at its most pathetic?
Anyway, I am off to work, but I am planning on updating with more frequency now. Hurray!
Posted at 4:14 PM
Saturday, March 01, 2003
I Passed! I got my orange belt!!!!
Posted at 11:27 AM
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
What have I done to myself? I didn’t make yesterday’s morning class because I was too tired and couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t make this morning’s class because my alarm went off too late. I really need to go to class because, frankly, I don’t give a rat’s ass about any of my classes this semester which means, no outside study. I need to do well this semester.
In the class that I was supposed to go to this morning, (poetry) I am really behind too. I’ve only read the first chapter of the book, and I have 250 lines of poetry to analyze by this coming Monday.
Speaking of this week, in my taekwondo class, I am testing for my orange belt this Friday. I am really nervous about it. I am scared of getting up to take my test and not remembering my form, or my one step sparing segments, or my self-defense techniques. What I am basically scared of is that I am going to fail. If I were to fail it would not be a private failure either. Testing at our school is a big deal and all students are required to come which means that they bring their families. Also, people from the community like to come and watch too so I would be failing in front of hundreds of people. The sad part is, is that I know all of the material. I know it like the back of my hand and could do it blind-folded and upside down if I needed to. The only problem is that when people are watching me, I am more prone to screw things up. The other night in class, for example, everyone was sitting in a circle, and we took turns doing our forms for everyone. While everyone was watching, I forgot a move. While I was doing it free floor, I was fine.
Also, one of the things that I am known for around the school is that I am quiet. I nod rather than saying, “yes M’am.” My ki-haps (a spiritual yell) are legendarily quiet and wimpy. I am afraid that if I get loud people will laugh at me. So, the other night in class when we were going over self defense (we learned how to get away if someone grabs your wrist) one of the first things that you need to do is to create a distraction. IE: you yell. She kept telling me that during testing I needed to yell louder or I would fail. She kept assuring me that nobody cares, and that everyone has to ki-hap loudly sooner or later. So I summoned up all my courage and yelled. Everyone stopped what they were doing, turned around to look at me, and then started laughing. I was mortified.
Posted at 10:18 AM
Friday, February 21, 2003
I added two new essays! Yay!
Posted at 3:12 PM
Friday, February 07, 2003
Justin upset the very delicate ecosystem of our kitchen yesterday; he cleaned. He pulled out the stove and cleaned. He also found the main habitat of all of the cockroaches, and sprayed with a massive amount of Raid. Now there is a mass exodus out of the kitchen. It is the strangest thing to watch, there is a swarm of tiny creepy-crawlies running up the stairs into the bedrooms. The cats are having a field day with the roaches. All night all you here is stalk and pounce, stalk and pounce.
Speaking of Justin, he and I got into the hugest (most domestic) fight yesterday. He came home in a nasty mood yesterday and was just an all around horrible person. He proceeded to go into a cleaning frenzy all the while bitching about how he was the only one that cleans. Then, he had the nerve to call me lazy and a whole bunch of other unsavory things. Truthfully, yes, I have stopped doing housework. I used to do it, but when I did it, he bitched that it wasn’t getting done right and that he’d have to do it all over again. In order to fully appreciate this, you’d have to see anal retentive boy in action.
Take, for example, our bi-weekly excursion to the Laundromat. When we pull our clothes out of the dryer, I’d try to help him fold his clothes, but I wouldn’t do it right. His shirts have to be folded so that the arms line up evenly and that there is a very sharp and perfect crease in it, and his pants need to be hand pressed and folded, and all of his socks need to be arranged by size. All of this just to get it home. I ball everything up and stuff it back in the laundry basket because it is just going to end up on a hanger in my closet. Then, if I put something in the cabinet, he moves it. If I do dishes he either doesn’t think that they are done enough, or he doesn’t like the way that I’ve loaded the dish rack. So, if I do housework, he bitches that I don’t do it right. If I don’t do it, he bitches about that too. So, what am I supposed to do exactly?
Also, the other night- Holy Jesus Christ that is a huge fucking spider!!!!! That’s it, I’m a dead man. If this is my last entry it’s because the big man killing spider has pounced at me and sucked me dry.
On a completely unrelated note, I was talking to someone online the other day, and I mentioned my roommate and he said, “I thought you lived with Justin.” I do, and I don’t think that I’ve ever mentioned this before, but I live with another person. His name is Pete, he is 28, and he is the biggest idiot that I’ve ever met. First of all, he’s a slob. Most of the mess that Justin ends up yelling at me about is Pete’s. Then, he’s a neo-nazi. If Hitler rose up out of the grave tomorrow, he’d follow willingly. Last summer when a black guy was stabbed out on our street, he felt some deep-seated need to yell out “Yay! No more niggers!” I can’t bring any of my friends over that happen to be, as he puts in, “Not white, and therefore inferior.” The other day he told me that he thought it was a good idea for all Americans to give up their civil liberties to keep us “safe.” And he thinks that authoritarian dictatorships are good forms of government. Of course, being that he is short-sighted and self-centered, he doesn’t realize that since he is poor, uneducated, and gay that any sort of dictatorship that enforces class differences and supports persecution, he will be on the receiving end of things because he won’t fit the approved majority. Also, being that he is gay and knows what the prejudice feels like, he should know better than to say things like that.
Posted at 11:55 PM
Wednesday, February 05, 2003
Why didn't anyone tell me that my title bar blinked in Netscape? I should probably have checked that myself huh? What can I say, I'm lazy.
Posted at 9:27 PM
Friday, January 31, 2003
You know what? I hate people that can’t say what they think or feel. I don’t like it when someone dislikes me, but rather than tell me to go away, they avoid me, ignore me, and then post something nasty on the internet about me for me to read.
The last time that I checked, I was a big boy, and I can handle rejection well. (I’ve had loads of practice.) If this person (who heretofore shall be referred to as BJ) didn’t like me, then all he had to do was say so. That is another thing to add to my list of pet peeves. (Hey! I should make a list and post it. Ok, I bored, so sue me.) This just destroyed my mood.
Speaking of destroying things, not only was my mood destroyed, but whatever remnants of pride that I once had was stripped from me today as well. In my search for more gainful employment, I have, once again, sunk to an all time low, and I applied at Wal-Mart. Filenes doesn’t pay me enough for what they put me through.
For the month of December, since the store was busy and I’m a miserable cuss, my manager put me in the stock room and had me doing stock work. Then, because of that, I was written up for not having a high enough sales average. Tell me how this makes sense. While I do possess many skills, being in two places at once is not one of them.
Speaking of things that have absolutely nothing to do with that (Hey, I don’t make fun of your segues, so leave mine be.) I talked to Ed today. Ed, for those of you who don’t know, is the owner of Masquerade Tears, and he is a great person to talk to. See? He isn’t afraid to randomly IM me, so why should everyone else be?
Posted at 3:43 PM
Sunday, January 26, 2003
Ouch. I got the crap beaten outta me. The worst part being that I beat the crap out of myself. Damn nunchuckus.
Posted at 11:26 PM
Friday, January 24, 2003
You know what? I’d make a damn good monk. I haven’t spoken aloud in about three days. Justin says that I’m in a funk; I say that I am depressed as hell. It’s kind of bizarre really, I woke up the other day and I just didn’t want to be alive anymore. I need serotonin. Anyone willing to donate?
Depression is weird for me my symptoms range from extreme hunger to no appetite from insomnia to wanting to sleep all the time. Right now I am in my insomnia mode, which is not advantageous because I have a class at 9:30 AM. I am learning how to use ssahng jeol bong in the morning. (For those of you who don’t know a ssahng jeol bong is just the tae kwon do word for a nunchucku.)
Speaking of my tae kwon do classes I got my first stripe on my belt the other night. It was my red stripe which means that I know all of the moves that are required by my form for my belt level. I only need three more stripes before I can test into my orange belt. I’m really nervous about the testing process; I’m still shy about people watching me do my form.
On another, completely unrelated note, school started again. I am taking Intro to Sociology, Biology, Urban Studies, and Poetry. Sadly, I’m not overly enthused about any of my classes which means that I am going to do poorly this semester. When I can’t muster up any interest in the classes that I am taking, I tend to do poorly.
Posted at 11:21 PM
Saturday, January 18, 2003
After a minor incident, my site is up and running properly again. I have also added a dream journal to the 'about me' section. I will attempt to update it everyday. Also, I had to ban someone from my comment box so if you are trying to comment and it isn't letting you drop me an email and let me know to lift the ban. I hate to ban people, but if harassment becomes a constant problem, I will just delete the comment feature.
Posted at 3:28 AM
Friday, January 17, 2003
So, I'm eating a microwaveable burrito and, to be blunt, I just realized that it smells like cum. You know, I don't think that I'm hungry anymore
Posted at 4:31 PM
Thursday, January 16, 2003
God I feel strange. My brain feels bizarre. Not my head, but my actual brain. I feel like it is warm and tingling, and my scalp is tingling too. Not to mention, I’m in this big mushy ‘hold me’ mood. I feel absolutely pathetic. Of course, it could have something to do with my lack of sleep.
Last night I drove Justin to pick his car up from the mechanic’s and when we got back, our roommate, Pete, was sitting in the living room with some mutual friends of theirs. Shane and Shane’s girlfriend Jess were there. (On an interesting side note, Jess is being shipped to the Middle East in a few days for some active military duty. I hope she’s going to be safe.) So we all sat around watching Buffy until Justin and Pete decided that it was bed time at around 1 AM. Shane said, “Ok, I’ll take a hint and leave. Good night guys.”
“No,” I said, “You don’t have to go. I’m going to be up for a while so if you want to stay and keep me company, even though you don’t know me, that would be ok.”
So, Shane and Jess stayed, and around 3 or 4 AM, Jess fell asleep on the couch. So, Shane and I cuddled on the couch and had a really great conversation. (Another interesting side note, Shane is the gayest straight man that I’ve ever met.) We talked about our likes and dislikes, and then we told the abbreviated version of our life stories, and, they were frighteningly similar. They finally wound up leaving at about 7:30 AM. I had a really great time, which is odd for me, because they were new people. Worse than that, they were my boyfriend’s friends; I normally feel strange hanging out with his friends if he’s not there.
Speaking of my boyfriend, I managed to get him to sign up for Tae Kwon Do with me. He looks all cute in the little white uniform that we’re supposed to wear.
Oh yuck…my brain is getting that mush feeling again. I’ll try to write more when I’ve rested and eaten.
Posted at 3:03 PM
Monday, January 13, 2003
Brevis ipsa vita est sed malis fit longior.
What’s this? Could it be? I think it is – it’s a sign of life from me. This time, really and truly, I am back. I’m back, I’m medicated, and I’m better than ever! I want to thank everyone who has taken the time to email me in the past few days and ask where I was, and whether or not I was alright. It was these emails that convinced me to write this actual entry.
I’ve decided that rather than sit at home and bitch and moan about my life and how boring and dull it has become, I needed to do something proactive about it. I have signed up for Tae Kwon Do classes. Strangely, I love it, much more than I thought that I would.
I am also in the process of adding more content to the side bars. I am working on some new esssays and I am putting together a photo gallery so that should take up some of my time.
At any rate, regardless of the brevity of this entry, I am back, for real this time.
Posted at 1:44 PM
Monday, December 30, 2002
I'm back. After a much needed vacation from everything, I'm back. To preemptively answer everyone's question, yes, I had a very nice Xmas. I would like to also wish everyone a happy belated Christmas. To my Pagan friends and readers, I would like to wish you a happy belated Yule.
The other question that is bound to arise would be, "What have I been doing in the past month or so that it has taken me to update?" The answer is simple, I've been doing absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. I've been going to work, coming home, playing everquest for a while, and then going to bed utterly lonely, utterly boring, and utterly depressing. I'm afraid that I am hitting a rather deep down-swing right now. I'll be updating more when my mood elevates back to normal.
Posted at 2:17 AM
Saturday, December 14, 2002
Mors ultima linea rerum est.
I step into my bedroom. The blinds are drawn, but the sun outside is glaring brightly enough to cast just the right amount of light so that I can see. There are two people lying side by side on my bed; they have plastic bags over their heads. I walk over to them and poke my finger into their mouths, enabling them to breathe again. The one closest to me gasps. It isn't a gasp of an oxygen starved person; it is the gasp of somebody in horrendous pain. I tear the plastic bag off of his head and I am horrified. His face is ashen with dark purple spots where the blood has collected under his skin. His lips are swollen and he is still gasping.
"She was wrong about me." His breath is ragged
"Who was wrong? About what?" I am trying to calm him.
"The woman. She put us here. She is waiting. Wants us dead."
"Why? Why would she want you dead?
"So she can speak. She can only speak when the dead move."
Will somebody please tell me why I dream of these things?
Posted at 12:49 AM
Old and upsetting memories. RIP
Name: Scott or Laine, depending on where and when I know you from. Age: 20 Sex: Male Location: Central Connecticut, USA School: I am a senior at the University of Connecticut Major: Psychology Work: I work at the Big Why
I am, above all else, myself. I hate being pigeon holed and sterotyped.
Yes, I am both a gay male and a practicing Pagan, but I am defined by
neither my sexuality nor my religion. I am defined by my personality.
(Who sounds like a raging activist?)